How to grow faith – Do I have enough?
“For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!” – 2 Corinthians 4:17 NLT
My father and my husband are dying.
That was hard to type.
All of us are dying… it’s just a matter of time, but for these amazing men of God, that time is now measured in days, weeks, and maybe months.
They both have cancer.
My dad was diagnosed with liver cancer a little over a year ago. At the time we thought it was manageable. The doctors would operate, it was contained so after some chemo and maybe radiation he would get better. But they couldn’t do surgery, and before we knew it the tumor had taken over. It is still contained, but hospice has been called in, and they say he is down to weeks, not months.
My husband’s odyssey started last summer with a horrible headache. It ended with a Flight for Life ride to Denver. In an operating room, the brain surgeon removed a tumor the size of a golf ball.
It was my 50th birthday when the doctor told me he suspected it was the most lethal form of brain cancer. There is no known cure. Then it was our 31st wedding anniversary when we found out he was right.
Oh, and my mother has Alzheimer’s.
I have to admit… I have been struggling with faith lately. Not so much questioning my faith, but do I have enough?
Do I have enough to get me through losing three loved ones in a short amount of time?
Do I have it in me to stay strong and grow in my faith and not become bitter through this battle?
Will I have what I need to be there for my kids as they deal with an incredible amount of loss themselves?
God has promised He will never leave me, never forsake me. Most of the time I can feel Him. And then there are times when I don’t.
There are times (like today) when I grab my phone and text some dear friends that cancer sucks and I didn’t ask for this. And there are times when I cry for no real reason or lay awake at night with anxiety over things that make no sense.
I know I am not alone. When the tough times hit, some struggle with anxiety or depression. Others may feel abandoned by God and still other believers hold steadfast on the outside but aren’t sure what to think on the inside. Everyone handles it differently.
Thankfully, we all have the same tool at our fingertips to figure out what God has to say.
“We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.” – 2 Corinthians 4:7-10 NLT
I don’t know about you, but right now I am feeling like a freaking fragile clay jar. But that isn’t all bad. God uses clay jars. He does some of His best work in the darkest of places, and we have the honor of being the ones He uses to shine His light. When we’re going through tough stuff and feeling all broken, He can shine through us and show the world what He is able to do.
That is… if we let Him.
Sure, it would be a lot easier if we didn’t have to go through this stuff. But what if going through this is the only way that someone can come to know Christ?
We have family who aren’t believers… if they come to know Jesus, my dad and husband would be the first to tell you it would all be worth it.
I wrote last week about how sometimes God takes us through things so we can see more clearly. The Israelites had to go through the desert… and Esther had to marry the foreign king just so God’s plan could be carried out.
The same thing can be said here… sometimes we have to go through things just so someone else can see how amazing our God really is.
Chances are my father will pass away in the next month or so. I have no idea how long I will have my husband… and I am losing a little more of my mother every single day. But if there is one thing that these three faith-filled people have taught me, it’s that faith isn’t a feeling… it’s a decision.
And I am choosing to grow my faith.
“For God has said, ‘I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” – Hebrews 13:5b
